It's Good 2B Good

Why do bullies think bullying is the best, or only, way to get what they want? Because they have learned to see it that way. They may have experienced bullying at home by their parents or by older siblings. Their parents may yell, threaten, or actually hit them in order to get them to do what they want. Frustrated and overworked parents may have lost patience with their kids and think the only way they can get them to clean their rooms or do their chores is to bully them. They have seen it demonstrated in movies, TV, and video games.

There is so much violence in movies today it makes you wonder how kids exist who don't engage in violence. TV shows are filled with yelling, screaming, cursing, humiliation and practical jokes. It's so sad to me that there are several shows currently on the air in which the theme of the show is setting someone up for humiliation through practical jokes. One show I came across last night is called "Scare Tactics." I only watched part of one segment, but the idea was to have the "victim" believe she was watching someone being killed right in front of her eyes. Then her "friend" and the camera crew reveal it's just a joke. The person didn't really die.

Did I really see this?

Somehow the  environment of kids who become bullies is filled with examples of people getting what they want through violence. They have come to believe that it is the best way, and sometimes the only way, of getting what they want. 

Here's the problem: If it ever does work, which it rarely does, it is superficial and temporary. When a bully demands money from a victim, for example, he may get the money. But, the money is just a superficial symbol of what the bully really wants: respect. He will never get respect from a victim, only fear and pain. The bully may feel a temporary feeling of power and success, but it will be short-lived. because whatever he spends the money on he will not enjoy. There will always be that voice in his head reminding him that the cost of getting his "prize" was not worth the cost. 

What he doesn't know is that the pleasure and enjoyment of getting a desired item through kindness, respect, and honor ( such as having a job, helping someone out during a difficult time, volunteering, etc.) is a much more satisfying, enjoyable, and successful way of being. 

We need to provide bullies with positive alternatives to their beliefs and actions, so they can discover for themselves that bullying does not work to get them what they want.

BULLYING: STOPPING IT FOR GOOD! (PART 2)

We've already established that bullying is an attempt to get attention, recognition, appreciation, and respect from peers, but that it does not work. 

Why doesn't it work?

Most kids want to know that they matter, that they make a difference, that they have something special to offer, that they can contribute in some meaningful way to their friends, peers, classroom, school, community, neighborhood, and the world. Behind practically everything they do are the questions: Do I matter? Can I make a difference? Do I have anything unique to contribute to my friends, peers, community, and the world? They are always looking for evidence to show them the answer is yes. 

Most of these children strive to find the "yes" in socially appropriate and positive ways; by participating in class; by joining sports teams, by establishing friendships, by being kind and helpful to friends and strangers; to volunteering in charitable organizations. Through these activities they receive positive feedback which reinforces the "yes" they were seeking. They decide at some point that they do matter, that they do have something special to offer, and that they can make a difference in the world. 

Children who engage in bullying behavior seek to find the "yes" in negative behaviors: teasing, taunting, insulting, spreading rumors. Though they want to feel that they matter and that they make a difference, in reality they are setting themselves up for failure. Their mean and hurtful acts cause their victims as well as the bystanders to fear them and to avoid them. They may feel they have earned the respect of their peers, but are oblivious to the fact that respect coming from fear is not really earned, and is not really respect. It is fear. Deep down they wonder whether they are appreciated for who they are. On the surface it may seem as if they are happy and content with what they are doing, but we know from adults who bullied as children, they were never happy and never felt appreciated and respected for the person they truly were underneath all the threats and pain they imposed on others. It was all just a show. Deep down they were hurting themselves and the bullying behavior just increased their own level of pain. 

If we want to stop bullying behavior we need to show bullies that:

1. Bullying will never get them what they want; bullying does not work; it will only lead to more suffering - the suffering of innocent people and the internal suffering they personally experience. 

2. They can get what they want (attention, respect, appreciation, recognition) in positive ways that will lead to a happier life.

Bullies need to understand that, not only are they causing destruction in other people's lives, they are causing destruction of their own lives. 

Once bullies understand this they will be more likely to change their thinking and, ultimately, their behavior, especially if we start when they are young.

Next we'll look at why bullies think bullying is the best, or only, way to get what they want and why they're wrong.

BULLYING: STOPPING IT FOR GOOD! (PART 1)

Why do kids bully in the first place? Kids bully because: 

1. They want something.

2. They believe that bullying will get them what they want. 

3. They think it's the best, or only, way to get what they want.

 

Let's take a closer look at each of these:

First, bullies want something. What do they want? They want what every other human being wants: attention, respect, recognition, appreciation, and, deep down (though they may not realize it) they want to be loved. 

Second, they believe that bullying will get them what they want. Most kids have learned somewhere between the ages of birth and 6 that there are different ways to get what they want. These tactics are learned primarily in the home environment from parents, first, and then siblings, then other relatives and eventually peers. Some children are born into loving environments with parents who recognize the importance of attention, respect, recognition, appreciation and love. These children don't need to ask for it; they are given it unconditionally. As a result, they learn to respect, appreciate and love themselves, and they are eager to show these qualities to others. These children do not become bullies. 

Many children are born into families who don't understand the importance of showering their children with attention, respect, recognition, and love. It's not black and white, however. Some parents shower their children with these qualities often, some occasionally, some sporadically, and some not at all. Some, but not all, of these children are looking for attention, recognition, appreciation and love and are not receiving as much as they need at home.  They don't know how to give it to themselves and they look for it from others when they begin their lives outside the home. Since the primary environment outside of the home is school, this is where they start looking for those elusive qualities from their peers.

 Most children want attention, recognition, appreciation and love from the people they encounter at school whether they get enough at home or not, because they are still in the process of developing their self-esteem and self-worth. They are still somewhat fragile and the appreciation and recognition they get from their peers lets them know it is not just their parents that value them, but their peers as well.

Bullies are at a loss as to how to get these qualities in a positive way, so they resort to getting them in negative ways. They so desperately want to be noticed and respected and they believe that giving negative attention to others through the use of taunts, teasing, insults, rumors, etc. will get them what they want. 

It doesn't work. 

Why not? Find out in my next post.

 

BULLYING: GETTING THE ATTENTION IT DESERVES

I have been focused on bullying for a while now, and am so happy to see the media getting involved in trying to deal with this problem. Yes, bullying has always existed, but the tragedy of kids committing suicide as a result of being bullied is putting the spotlight on this problem like never before. What a sad commentary that it had to get this far before they acknowledged the problem, but, thankfully, they have. 

Unfortunately, very few people seem to have solutions that work. Many people, schools, and anti-bullying programs are having some success, but I am not seeing the focus put on the right place. 

Here is one educator's understanding and perspective on what bullying is, why it happens, and what we can do to stop it.

First of all, bullying is a culmination of negative and hurtful thoughts, words, attitudes and actions that have existed over a period of time to the point where it is decided "This is now bullying." But, these thoughts, words, attitudes, and actions did not just start yesterday. They started sometime ago in one moment when one child said or did something that caused pain to another child and were not stopped. So it continued. And continued. And continued. Until one day someone decided this child has become a bully. Or this child is engaging in bullying behavior. 

But, why wasn't something done the first time this child said or did something to hurt another? When is it ever ok to think, say, or do anything to hurt another person? Why do we find it acceptable ever? Hurting another should never be accepted, because it always causes pain. That's where our efforts need to be placed: we need to teach children that negative thoughts, words, attitudes, and actions are not acceptable (and will not be tolerated) even once. When it is stopped right away, there is no chance for that child to become a bully. 

So, why do children attempt to hurt others with thoughts, words, attitudes and actions? That's what we'll look at in my next post.